Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
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I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…