I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*mops up wine with cat*
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.