Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Happens to everyone.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!