[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
What do you hear?