Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times