Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’ve had worse
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
What my back needs
I wish this was real life…
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.