I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you