Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
This will never not be funny 😭
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I hope Alan is OK
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m putting together a team
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*