Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head