Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
You have been warned.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.