I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Did my cat write this
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters