sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.