Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee