Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.