I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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A roof is a house hat.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today