My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Good morning!
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*