Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
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I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Wise advice
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms