I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident