You Might Also Like
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
the three branches of government
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.