We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
You Might Also Like
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*