*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move