What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
they split up moments later
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
A short story about romance.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
lot going on here, legally speaking.