Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”