normalize having existential bread
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets