If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”