MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.