“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
You Might Also Like
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Weirdly Wednesday.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks