[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.