When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
it must be school picture day
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
are they though??
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT