My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
won’t smith
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*serious situation*
My brain:
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.