[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
me doing my best
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in