[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.