The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Seems legit
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?