All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’d rather go liquor treating.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those