A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it