I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”