[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.