Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable