You Might Also Like
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man