[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Every work call, he judges.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same