If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*