Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Merry Christmas
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes