I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You Might Also Like
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Selfie
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?