[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.