Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
You Might Also Like
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.