Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016