*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
(Musicians.)
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.