Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.