Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Whoa 😂
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.