I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.